**“Are you sure the calendar is right?” Andor asked, out of breath. “We mark off a day every morning, so it has to be…” Lilli’s voice trailed off as she stared at the calendar pole they had driven into the ground by the door. “Well, it isn’t even the New Year yet and we’re tunneling through feet of snow to get out our door,” Andor huffed as he stomped the snow in front of the door, so he could close it.  “It’s gonna be a long winter.” Lilli nodded in agreement. “We should've brought a snow blower up from the village,” she said half jokingly.   “Ha. My back would really appreciate a snow blower right now,” Andor laughed. “Well we should go out and at least enjoy all this snow.”  “Agreed,” Lilli smiled as she reached for her ski boots by the door. “Is it sunny outside?” “It’s a gorgeous day.” Andor replied as he set his steaming mug of coffee down on the table with a smile.  It was a perfect blue bird day, with hardly a puff of wind. Clouds drifted lazily through the sky as birds chirped and flitted about looking for anything to stave off starvation. They skied to the edge of the lake and stopped to admire the snow. “I think we’ve lost our skating rink for the winter,” Andor said wistfully.  “Yeah, it’s going to take forever to clear off all the new snow!” Lilli whistled in amazement. She had visited places with snow; but had never lived in them. As such the idea of clearing the snow had never crossed her mind - little paths to get into restaurants or stores were just there with towering piles of white stuff on either side. Now that they were the ones who had to clear it by hand she was struck by how monumental of a task it was – and one which wouldn’t end until spring. “How long until spring?” she asked quietly, dreading the answer, just a little bit.  “Four solid months.” Andor shook his head. "You know, I’ve been thinking," Lilli could tell by the shift in his voice he was changing the subject. "About what, my dear?"  "I’ve been thinking about when I was out in the desert during my deployment. There was a lot of down time out there, maybe too much. I had plenty of time to think and ruminate on my insecurities. I always felt on the verge of losing control - like my leadership was just a front to hide the truth that everything, every moment was saturated in uncertainty. In the blink of an eye something could occur which was totally beyond my ability to control. Then there was the fear I might screw up - make a mistake. This fear was compounded by the realization - I was alone. I know I was surrounded by Marines and Sailors, my brothers but on a universal scale I felt…” Andor stopped and took a deep breath. “I felt cut off. I realized, for the first time ever, life just makes more sense when you turn somewhere else, not to someone else or something tangible. I mean there has to be something - unseen out there - somewhere. Right?” Andor gestured towards the expansive sky. “Those are some pretty deep thoughts for a Jarhead.” Lilli giggled.  Andor rolled his eyes, scooped up some snow, and tossed it at her. “I’m joking!” she said with a smile. "You know… When I came home, I really hated how easy it all was. Everything was just the same boring usual mundane civilian shit. The monotony brought back those thoughts I had in the desert - the ones which drove me to seek something meaningful. Something bigger than me, bigger than this world. Something to make sense of the insanity… The meaninglessness of it all. Then the horror unfolded with the asteroid, fleeing out here, and the alien monster… and you know what? I feel like I've come close to reaching a deeper understanding of the meaning of life. My whole existence, since we got here, has been uncovering truths about why I’m, no we - are here… Why all of this is happening to our world, to our country. Things right now aren't easy or commonplace. We as a species are being tested. And it surprises me, even as it surprised me out there in that godforsaken desert, but I'm scared to go back to the simple, easy, common day-to-day monotony – just waiting for death and trying to fill the time with meaningless crap. It doesn’t challenge me, and I want… No, I need the challenge, the fear, the uncertainty. It gives me a boost of motivation to strive and seek, knowing if I don’t, I might miss this one chance to figure it all out. Over time after I got back, I forgot about what I'd discovered in the desert. I forgot what it was like to be tested. I wasn't happy — at least truly happy — and I couldn't figure out why. Until now. Now I realize I am only happy when I’m under pressure. When I’m in the ordinary, the common. It gets too easy and I slip into a stasis. I don’t want to forget what we’ve learned from all this, and I don’t want to forget how happy we are living on this lake. I don’t want to hike off this mountain in the summer and slip back into complacency and drift through life. I love being here with you through all this. It helps me remember what really matters. I mean we’re not drifting right now. We're living to the fullest. We have to or else we’d be dead by the end of the week. Now because of everything we've lost we now have love and hope in abundance – and those are the only things which truly matter. Not the money in our bank account, the clothes on our back, or the car we drive.” Andor’s voice trailed off as he stared at his mountain towering high above them. “Does this make any sense to you?" ![[asi-gulfHagas-ii.jpg]] Lilli stood still contemplating, for a moment, what he had said. “I’ve had the same fear but I was scared to say it out loud. My life has always been the mundane boring civilian existence as you call it. Until now. Living like this, I feel more alive than I’ve ever felt before. I can’t express how much I agree with you. I don’t want it to end either.” Lilli scooted closer to Andor and gave him a hug. “I tell you what — I’d rather live in a cave and love life every day for a year and then die than float through a long life in a great big house, with lots of money, nice cars, and other distractions that I can’t take with me when I go. Knowing what I know now I can’t go back to living life that way. It’s too easy. I love this challenge and doing it with you. If we start to notice ourselves slipping back into our old ways, if we ever leave here – I promise you we’ll drop everything and come back here until we sort ourselves out again."  "I like the sound of..." Before Andor could finish his sentence, Ijape let out a long howl. “I guess Ijape agrees with us!” Lilli chuckled. “One more thing that’s been on my mind a lot…” Andor said as he ruffled the fur on top of Ijape’s head. Then he stared at the snow as Lilli looked at him expectantly. When he said nothing, after quite some time, she spoke.  “You’ve seemed a bit distant these past few days,” she began – then, taking a deep breath she prepared herself. “What is it?”  “I need to get away… Just for one night.”   “What do you mean?” Lilli’s voice sounded steady yet fringed with uncertainty.  “There’s a tiny cave, barely big enough to sit upright in… On the side of my mountain,” Andor kicked the snow off the tip of his ski. A few feet away a load of snow slid off a branch and landed with a loud thump. “It’s just one night.” “Umm… Okay, I mean if you need to I understand. It just seems a little out of left field to me. Are you sure you’re okay?” Lilli bent her head trying to catch Andor’s eyes but he just stared at the snow, his eyes unmoving.  “Yes, I’m fine,” Andor began. “You’re going to think I’m crazy but I had a dream a few nights ago.” “Okay… About what?” Lilli swallowed. The last time he’d had a dream it was a warning of an impending apocalyptic disaster.  “About the cave. It was calling me. Like literally saying my name. It wasn’t creepy though. More like it was an old friend calling me over for beer…” Andor’s voice trailed off as he looked up at Lilli, his eyes searching for acceptance, assurance.  “Interesting…” Lilli began, “What are you going to do up there in this cave for one night?” “I found some psilocybin mushrooms down in the village in one of the cabin’s cupboards a while back.” “So, you want to do shrooms in a cave by yourself. Tonight?” Lilli questioned hesitantly.  “Haha. Yes…” Andor chuckled. “When you put it that way it does make me sound crazy.” “No.” Lilli said strongly. “I don’t think you’re crazy. I never told you before…” Then she stopped. It was her turn to stare at the snow avoiding eye contact. Andor took a deep breath and waited for Lilli to compose herself. “In college, before we met, I tried mushrooms a few times. It was, perhaps, the most profoundly impactful thing which ever happened to me – spiritually, emotionally, mentally, even physically.” “Really?” Andor’s head cocked back to one side. He was quite surprised to hear Lilli had taken mushrooms before - she didn't seem the type to experiment in college. “I think you should,” then she smiled and grabbed her poles. “It’s gonna get dark soon. We better get moving if you’re going to get to your cave by nightfall.” ### Next Chapter: [[13 - The Visitors ☃️]] ### Previous Chapter: [[11 - Ijape 🐺]]